Hear the Sound

Thankful for Health and Hearing

2012-01-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

There were some rough patches for our family during the 2011 holiday season which served to enlarge our blessings with the contrast of getting through some moments to celebrating others. Due to illnesses with a daughter and grandson, I found myself in emergency and hospital rooms more times than I care to remember over a two month period. We all value health and it is during these times we are reminded to be grateful for it. So we start off 2012 recovering, being well and looking forward to living well.

During one of my daughter’s hospital stays, I had the opportunity to share how I hear with a senior resident. He said they tend to go over cochlear implants fairly quickly in medical school and he was truly interested in how I hear with them. He was genuinely surprised at how well I hear. The conversation moved along without any phrases like “pardon me” or “I’m sorry, what did you say?” The doctor admitted that had no one told him, he would not have been able to tell that I don’t have natural hearing. It was fun to share with him and I enjoy every opportunity to educate medical professionals. Fortunately that conversation took place when the doctor and his team were preparing to discharge my daughter and things were looking up that day.

It was approximately a month later, on Christmas morning, that I was in the emergency room with another daughter and her son. Her husband was unable to go with her because he was sick and we were taking their one month old baby boy, Jared, to the hospital. I was glad I was able to be there for them. It is hard when they are so young and blood draws and an IV are needed. I watched as the RN explained to Paula, my daughter, how hard it can be to get an IV into a baby and that often they have to try twice. Upon hearing this I immediately began to pray for Jared asking God to bless the nurse’s skill and help her to get it the first time so that this precious baby boy only had to be poked once.

Paula was helping to hold Jared and I was sitting in a chair at the side of the room. The nurse had her back to me and I had my head down praying. After giving it to God, I sat there just listening and waiting. The nurse and lab tech were taking there time with the process. When I sensed the RN was ready I was holding my breath. Before I took in any air, I heard her say, “Well there is your Christmas present. That is a Christmas miracle right there!” The IV was in on the first try. I sighed a prayer of relief, “Thank You Jesus,” and then I smiled for Jared. When I realized how well I had heard the nurse I smiled again and sent another thank you to the Lord for my hearing. A little while later, a diagnosis was made and Jared was admitted to the hospital for treatment. He was discharged after three days and continued to recover at home.

On a daily basis, I experience the extreme of complete silence to being able to hear most everything once my AB cochlear implant processors are on. You would think after ten years that I wouldn’t still be amazed by this, but I am. I will never take my hearing, my health, or the health of my family for granted. Now that I have had some recent reminders of how precious all that is, I will try to remember to thank the Lord for it all every day.

Subtle changes...mean a lot to me.

2011-12-10T15:04:00.001-08:00

In my previous post, I wrote about my recent mapping and the fact that it had been almost two years since my last mapping. There I described some of the changes that were made and used the terms; some gains, and small adjustments. In day to day hearing, subtle changes to a map might not be that notable, but today I had the chance to listen to a CD while in the car for about 50 minutes. The difference in the music was enough to choke me up. In the sound of music the changes were very notable.

I was listening to Styx Live. This CD is different from a studio recording. Some of the songs are longer and they talk in between sets. I used to skip around if the song was too long and I couldn’t always hear what they were saying when they talked because of the crowd noise. The music and talking sounded so good today, I didn’t want to miss a thing.

It will be a joy listening to my music collection. There are all kinds of new sounds there! This motivates me to continue to reach for perfect bionic hearing. Though it may be in small steps - every gain counts. I know the perfect bionic ear is coming. If not in my lifetime, maybe yours.

Still Changing and Learning for Better Hearing

2011-12-06T21:43:00.001-08:00

After a long stretch of not being mapped, I worked with a new audiologist to map my cochlear implant hearing. Since it was his first time working with me, we did word recognition tests in the booth with both ears and then each ear alone. Both ears together were at 86%, left ear alone 80% and right ear alone 20%. I was a bit disappointed that the right ear has not come along as well as the left - but I love the hearing I get with both together and would not choose to give it up.

After the assessment, we then set up for mapping. I did the tones on each side and did have some gains on the right as well as small adjustments on the left. It had been a long time (almost two years) since I was mapped. It felt good to be getting reset. Since it had been so long, I couldn’t remember exactly how we mapped for both ears together. My audi asked me if I wanted to map and attempt to match the ears electrode by electrode. I knew I had not done that so I decided we should go for it.

We started with the first low tone. Wow! They sounded very different. On my left side, my first implant, I have the Clarion HiFocus Electrode with Positioner. The sound of the first low tone is rich and deep and seemed normal for its position on the scale. On my right side, which has the 90K HiFocus Electrode, the tone sounded like it is several notes higher than the left side. My starting point there is not as low and rich as the left side. If you compare it to the song Do Re Mi, the left starts at Do and the right starts at Mi. We talked a bit about why the two sides may sound so different and then we decided to finish the mapping based on how speech sounds.

Before this mapping, I thought a lot about how I use my cochlear implants. I’m not one to change the settings very often, so three slots seems to be plenty; however, while we were talking about it, I think I could have used five! I decided to have my daily map in slot one. In two we put the telecoil on as it seems I have had more opportunity this past year to use it. Slot three is my noise program. My new audi was pretty aggressive with the settings for shutting down background noise. In recent years, I have not had the IDR below 60. He put it at 40 and we talked for a bit. It was great, but I decided I could handle a little more background sound and asked him to put it at 50. He did that and also removed the boost to the low tones.

I had the opportunity to fly this weekend and tried out the noise program while traveling. It was great! I could still hear the announcements but I didn’t have to put up with the drone of the airport noise or the airplane noise. I simply told my husband to be sure he was near me when he wanted to talk.

I have had my first cochlear implant for ten years and with the help of audiologists’, I’m still finding better ways to hear. Although I have been bummed when an audiologist I have gotten comfortable with retires or moves on in his/her career, it is always a joy to meet someone new and learn from their experience.

Ten Years Ago

2011-09-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago today I was healing from my first cochlear implant surgery and waiting for my activation day. I was recovered enough to go back to work and since my job did not require phone communication, I was back at my desk doing proofing and data entry. I was living in complete silence with hope that the cochlear implant would ease my struggles with communication.

It was just another day to pass while waiting for the big activation day. The waiting was hard as my mind was filled with constant wondering about what hearing with a cochlear implant was going to be like. The distraction of work was a good thing until there was a change in the people around me. I could see them talking, but nobody would tell me what was going on. The co-worker next to me was crying and though she was usually willing to talk to me so I could read her lips, she was unable to even look at me and tell me what was going on - until she was able to say, “Paula is okay.” My daughter Paula is a flight attendant with United Airlines.

After my mother-in-law had called the office and told the receptionist to tell me that she talked with Paula and that she was on the ground in Cincinnati, my co-workers then did their best to tell me what was happening. Some of them decided to leave work early so I did too. I wanted to know more about what was going on and I needed a TV with closed captioning and the comfort of familiar communication with family. At home, I watched in silence the horrors of the attacks and the updates the media provided. The captioning on my TV being my link to the world.

Today, I remember the horror of September 11, 2001. I pray for my country and my fellow Americans and find comfort in the tributes and memorials created in the process of healing. As I reflect on all this, I am reminded how far our souls travel from sadness to joy and silence to sound.

Silver Wings

2010-10-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

While driving home from work today, I was listening to a CD that I put together a couple of years ago with a variety of songs on it. About ten minutes into my 40 minute commute, I heard what seemed like wind or a whistle in my car. I remember thinking, “Oh great, my car is making a new sound.” As I focused and tried to figure out what was making this new sound, I came to realize it was in the music! I muted the CD player and it went away, so I turned it back on and listened. I played the song again and really listened. Is it a piccolo or strings? I listened again - I think it is strings! It is a whole orchestra and I can hear the strings! I have been looking on YouTube trying to find the version of the song I was listening to, but I’m not finding it. The song is “The Ballad of the Green Beret.” I am hearing the soft start up of the strings when they begin the crescendo at the words “silver wings.”

I have had my implants 9 years on the left and 3 years on the right and I am still experiencing improvement! I have been procrastinating about scheduling a mapping thinking there hasn’t been enough change to warrant an appointment with my audiologist, but now I’m thinking otherwise.

One of my earliest memories of really knowing that there were things I could not hear was in 9th grade typing class. I never did hear a typewriter bell. How I ever got through that class with a B, I will never know. As I was enjoying hearing more of a song I have liked probably since I was in 9th grade, I was thinking that my cochlear implants give me such wonderful hearing it just might be possible to hear better than normal someday.

Getting off the Roller Coaster

2010-08-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Something wonderful happens to people after they have had their cochlear implants for a while. They get on with life!

As a late-deafened adult and cochlear implant recipient, I know the emotional roller coaster of losing one’s hearing; the life and relationship issues that go with that; and finally the high of getting sound back. Definitely “emotional roller coaster” is the right descriptive phrase.

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? What can you do when you are riding one? About all you can do is ride. You might talk with the person next to you, laugh, or yell, or scream, but you won’t be composing a report or holding a meeting.

As my hearing loss progressed, I participated in life less and less. I quit going to movies, parties or anything that involved a large noisy group or a large room that might echo sound. I stopped using the phone and pretty much limited my communication to family and close friends. Anything beyond that was intimidating, like standing up in a roller coaster. If I had to be on this ride, then I was going to stay seated in my little box and hang on so I felt safe. I might look at the scenery once in a while, but it was easier not to.

I like the feeling of getting off a roller coaster. That first step of putting solid ground under your feet feels so reassuring. I love looking around and being able to walk away and put some distance between me and a ride that I don’t like.

With my cochlear implants, I can get off the ride. I’ve got the ground under my feet again. I can walk away and join the world for the day and I don’t have to get back on until the sun is down and the roller coaster sleeps.

It is fun though, especially when you don’t like a ride, to go on the ride with friends. I attended my first Hearing Loss Association of America (HLAA) convention this year in June. It was a wonderful experience and the first time I really enjoyed the ride, the hearing loss roller coaster. When we get on the roller coaster together, we hug, we smile, we share the ride and we laugh!

I have noticed that many of the friends I have made through my blog, the Bionic Ear Association, the HLAA and the online forum, Hearing Journey, are getting off the roller coaster and walking away. They have other things to do and lives to live. What a wonderful thing this is!

Jonathan's Cochlear Implant Activation 8 mo., Rt Ear cont'd

2010-07-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

I love watching this little guy's reaction to his activation. It is so moving.

I Can't Hear You

2010-05-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am the oldest of five. For the most part, my siblings and I share similar political beliefs. Unfortunately, our parents seem to feel quite the opposite, so if we happen to end up talking politics at a family gathering, a heated discussion may escalate into a shouting match. We are learning to avoid certain subjects.

Last time I was visiting my parents, while my mother and I were preparing breakfast, the conversation started dancing around a sensitive subject. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I happened to announce where I stood on the issue. My dad didn’t agree and started on a tirade denouncing what I believe. Immediately I regretted having said anything but I was not going to back down. My mother was getting uncomfortable and wanted everyone to stop - which was fine with me, but dad was not getting the message. I was at the kitchen sink wiping a dish and dad had his back to me. I decided to give him the message visually. I put the dish down, wiped my hands, walked around to get in front of him and when he was looking at me, I reached up and with exaggeration I knocked my CI headpieces down to my shoulders. He got it. He looked at me and his mouth stopped moving. There I was in my silence feeling like a naughty child. I didn’t enjoy disrespecting my father, and I didn’t enjoy being disrespected.

I have shared the story of that incident with my girls and one of them said she finds herself wondering how many children with cochlear implants or hearing aids, have, or eventually will, take their hearing off in the face of being scolded or lectured. I suppose it is the equivalent of a hearing child plugging her ears with her fingers and taunting, “I can’t hear you.” With a CI it is much more dramatic and effective - but still naughty.

HLAA

2010-04-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this for awhile and I finally decided to go to the HLAA Convention in Milwaukee in June. I have never been to one before and I'm really looking forward to it.

Last spring I attended a mentor training for the Bionic Ear Association. That was the first time I was part of a group with the commonality of hearing loss. I really enjoyed the feeling of kinship and continue to enjoy the friendships that developed. I'm really looking forward to this convention and hanging out with my friends.

Video Overview

2010-03-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

A Book Review - "Wired for Sound"

2010-02-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

I recently finished reading Wired for Sound: a journey into hearing by Beverly Biderman. Beverly writes about her personal experiences as a person with severe to profound hearing loss who chooses to pursue receiving a cochlear implant when it becomes available to her. An excellent author, she also writes beyond her own experience and eloquently shares information about deaf issues as well as technical issues regarding hearing with cochlear implants. Some of the technical information is becoming outdated as this book was written over ten years ago, but as a history of the development of cochlear implants most of the information still applies. This is a very good book that covers a lot of territory regarding deafness and regaining sound. I recommend this book for anyone contemplating getting a cochlear implant.

Morning Light

2010-02-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

From the silence of my night
I wake to morning light
I don’t begin to hear
Till my CI is on my ear
I sleep without sound
I can’t hear a barking hound
So my days begin
Not with an alarm’s din
But from the streaming light
Of a morning sky so bright
It reaches to my eyes
In the bed where my head lies
And wakes me
So that I might see
This day

Frosted Day

2010-01-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

Fast Talkers

2010-01-07T14:01:00.001-08:00

I know that I’m fortunate that I am a cochlear implant user that can use the phone and is no longer afraid to answer it. I really do as well as most hearing people. Today I spoke with a person that spoke so fast I don’t know how anybody could understand her.

Really fast talking should be against the law. These people should be cited and fined for saying more than eight syllables per second and should not be allowed to work a business phone if they talk so fast you think they may be speaking in a different language.

When I could not understand the name of the company she was calling from, I felt like I was having flashbacks to the days when I started giving up on communicating on the phone. She wanted my business ID number, so I figured it was an employee of one of my clients and I had to make sure I knew who I was talking to before I gave out this sensitive information.

I gave in to something I now do only when I have to and told her I hear with cochlear implants and that I needed her to slow down. “Okay,” she said and then she said the name of her company again - and I missed it. Unh. I hate this. She explained what form she needed filled out and I got that. Did I have a fax number she could send it to? “Yes, I do,” I said and then I asked her again to tell me what company she was calling from. Out it came and I could practically see it speed past my ears and out of reach before I could make out what it was. Aaaaahhhhh! I was getting really frustrated, but I tried to keep a smile on my face and calmly asked her again to tell me the name of her company. Swish, there it went and I had to ask her again. I took a breath and politely told her I missed it again, could she please say it one more time and then I focused and hoped I would catch it this time. She said it again and slowed it down just enough that I got the first two words and I said, “Oh! it’s ____ _____ _____. Thank You.” What a relief.

This is the stuff that wears on my confidence. Fortunately there was quite a bit of the conversation that I did get, so I know that it wasn’t all me. Sometimes I wonder, can they really listen and hear as fast as they can talk?

Ski Boots

2010-01-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

It was a lot of fun skiing last Wednesday. The temperatures were great, not too cold or too warm so you weren’t sweating in your ski gear.

I hadn’t been skiing since the spring of 2008 when Paul and I were at Whistler. Also, I hadn’t used my own gear for several years choosing instead to rent when traveling a long ways and flying. Since my gear hadn’t seen a lot of time on the slopes, I figured it would be fine to use it at this local ski site.

When getting ready for our ski outing, Jana tried on her ski boots and discovered that they were too small. She decided to rent boots. When we got to Welch Village, Jana and I suited up and grabbed our gear, me with my boots, skis and poles and Jana with just her skis and poles.

We trudged up to the ski racks, leaving our skis and poles and then headed for the ticket window to purchase lift tickets and Jana’s rental boots. Jana discovered it was an all or nothing proposition with the rental of equipment. She had to get skis and poles too, as they would not adjust her skis to their boots. We decided that she would go get her rentals and I would take her skis and poles back to the car while she was getting set up.

I grabbed Jana’s skis and poles from the ski rack and headed back towards the parking lot. About six steps after leaving Jana, I heard a loud crack. While trying to figure out what made the noise, I glanced ahead of me and saw a weird shaped piece of white plastic skitter to a stop about ten feet in front of me. “Oh! My!” I said as I realized it was the toe of my right ski boot! Change of plans I thought as I picked up the toe of my boot and then promptly turned around to go tell Jana that I would be renting too.

She was just about to start filling out the form at the counter. I called her name and she turned around to look. Holding up the toe of my boot, I said, “Jana, I’m renting too!” She came over to see what had happened. We laughed a little and then decided we would both go back to the car to regroup.

About three steps outside of the rental building, the other boot started to crack up. Not wanting to leave any pieces of sharp plastic laying around, I stooped to pick up the chips as they fell. We turned the corner and walked a few more steps when the left toe went flying out in front of us. I began to wonder if I would have anything left on my feet when we found the car. Then the giggles started and every few steps I took, more of my boots fell off! We walked one aisle too far. As I was walking back between the cars, finally with my car in sight, the bottom fell out of my left foot. Feeling like I had nothing but stockings on my feet, we were finally there. I peeled off the remains of my ski boots. After the laughter, we made a new plan and headed back to the ticket office for a rental package.

Trusting My Ears

2009-12-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

We had our piano tuned in November. When the girls come home, they enjoy playing some of their favorite songs as well as Christmas music and complain if the piano hasn’t been tuned, so this year I did manage to get the tuning scheduled and done.

While trimming the Christmas tree, I started thinking about the Christmas concert at the high school and the tradition they have carried out for many years of singing “Beautiful Savior” to close the concert. They invite choir alumni on stage to sing this hymn with the present choir and then the audience is invited to join in for the final verse.

I was never a soloist, but I participated in choir at high school and church through my junior year. Now with my cochlear implants, I have been trying to listen to my own voice and get the confidence back to sing. Since the piano had recently been tuned, I decided to pick out the melody of “Beautiful Savior” and try matching my voice to the notes. My thoughts were, “My piano is in tune, my hearing is great with my cochlear implants, this should work.”

As I picked my way through the first verse, I felt I was doing pretty good at matching my voice to the notes, but it sounded a bit off. I stopped singing and played the melody one note at a time and one spot sounded off to me, so I played the top two notes at a time, still off. Because I was unsure if I could trust my digital ears to be an accurate judge of whether or not a piano is in tune, I asked my husband when he came home to listen to the notes I was playing and tell me what he thought. To my surprise he said, “Yep, that one note sounds like it could be a little off.”

I emailed our piano tuner and he said he would come back and check it out. Our piano was Paul’s mother’s and is quite old. This piano has not been tuned regularly in the past ten years so it is not unusual for the tuning not to hold. The piano tuner came back, made some adjustments and now it sounds as good as the old piano can.

I have known for a while now that I would prefer a new digital piano and someday I hope to have one. From this old piano I learned that my new hearing is pretty awesome and I can trust what I think I hear. I remember the notes and how they are suppose to sound and my brain sings in tune. Now if my ears and my brain and my voice would all work together - maybe I could be that soloist I have always wanted to be. (*Dream*)

Beautiful Blogger Award

2009-12-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Blogger Award & Nominations!

Speak Up Librarian nominated me for this award and I am honored. Thank you Speak Up Librarian.

Now here's my job:
The rules:
1) Thank the person who nominated me for this award.
2) Copy the award & place it on my blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated me for this award.
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
5) Nominate 7 bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs I nominate.

Okay, here we go. I may be repeating some nominations, but it can't be helped.

(1) Speak Up Librarian - It is always a joy to read her reviews of books or television shows, check out her pictures and share her thoughts about the challenges of being hearing impaired.

(2) Mog Renewed - Has shared her journey from choosing to get a cochlear implant, waiting for the day and now discovering the sound it brings her. She punctuates this with delightful pictures and ancedotes.

(3) Jelly - You know you will get cupcakes, but the variety is a constant surprise!

(4) My CI is Amazing - A friend that I met on another forum, she shares her experience and offers her caring support to others with the same hearing challenges.

(5) Laura's Medical Journey - Another brave woman facing challenges with a great attitude and sense of humor.

(6) Surround Sound - A cochlear implant user and busy Mom that shares her hearing experiences and supports others in their hearing journeys.

(7) Elliott's Journey - Ellliott's mom does a great job of sharing their journey as her adorable son learns and lives life with his cochlear implants.

"Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself"

Interesting, hhmmm, is that one of those things that's in the eyes of the beholder?

(1) I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout and finally a Cadet.

(2) I sang in the church and school choirs until my last year in high school when I failed to make the Concert Choir.

(3) I wanted to be a Wave in the Navy, but by the age of 18 my hearing loss had progressed to the point where I couldn't pass the physical.

(4) I had a motorcycle when I was 19.

(5) After a van hit me when I was driving my motorcycle, I traded it in for a Fiat X19 (2 seater sports car) - I loved that car!

(6) From the time I started thinking I would be a mother someday, I always knew I would have three girls. I just knew.

(7) The man I married was my kindergarten sweetheart. He kissed me at the drinking fountain and I told the teacher!

Christmas Preparations

2009-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

The Christmas lights keep blowing fuses
The house is a dusty mess
Even if I’m weary
I will not take any rest

I must power clean and decorate
The house is waiting for me
To give it shine and polish
And the glow of a Christmas tree

Christmas Day is coming
And I certainly won’t be bored
With lots of family here
To celebrate the birth of our Lord.

Young and old will gather
In the largest room
We will remember the birth of Jesus
This day is coming soon

So I begin my preparations
In anticipation of the fun
To celebrate His coming
The Truth, the Light, The One.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T09:17:00.001-08:00

I have been trying for several days to put into words

The thankfulness I feel, for all that I have heard

The words keep escaping me

They never seem enough

So it seemed there was only one thing left

A picture of my cup.

This Is Who I Am

2009-10-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a dream can seem so real that when you wake up you wonder if it happened. I had a dream like that last night and what I dreamt is impossible, but it seemed so real. I dreamt that my husband was leaving for work, on his way down the stair he said over his shoulder, “Good-bye,” and I responded, “Good-bye,” and then it hit me, I didn’t have my processors on. I said, “I heard that!” and Paul, knowing that I wasn’t hooked up, turned right around and came back upstairs. He was talking to me and I was repeating back to him what he was saying almost word for word. I would miss one now and then, but still we were thinking how could this be?

After I was completely awake and thinking about this dream I realized it was like dreams I had after I quit smoking. I would dream that I smoked and then in the morning wonder if I did. I didn’t want to start again so I would be relieved that it was just a dream. I guess we dream about what we miss and I think I was missing those spontaneous moments that happen at the beginning or end of the day when I might not have my hearing prothesis on.

This dream surprised me and it feels like it came at an odd time. On the last Saturday we spent at our cabin before closing it up for the winter season, I felt like I had crossed a threshold. I got up that morning and Paul was preparing to take the boat to the storage place. He indicated that he was leaving and I knew I had at least an hour to myself. My normal routine in the morning is to get ready for the day and get my hearing on first thing. On this particular morning, knowing I didn’t need to communicate with anyone for awhile, I decided to relax in my comfortable pajamas, and linger over breakfast and coffee while I enjoyed the vision of the lake outside my window. Sitting in the silence, I came to realize that I have finally found peace with my deafness.

It is okay. This is who I am.

I am a woman who puts on her hearing in the morning

and takes it off at night.

I am a woman who sleeps in total silence

and wakes to the morning light.

When I look out the window to see what kind of day it will be,

I may notice the birds in the branches of a nearby tree.

I need not wonder if they are chirping or singing a song,

even though I knew their silence many years long.

It is now in my blessings a matter of choice,

If I want to hear birdsongs or the beautiful human voice.

The sounds of life are mine to have no matter the place,

And the silence is mine to choose, to reject or embrace.

A Gutsy Girl

2009-10-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

I first met Kristin on Hearing Journey. Today her cochlear implant is being activated. Kristin's road to this day has been bumpy due to other health issues and she has hurdled or gone around every road block. To read her story go to The Telegraph Hearing Blog.

Choosing a Cochlear Implant

2009-10-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

You are at a point in your life where you have to make a life altering decision and choose a cochlear implant either for yourself or your child. Where do you start?

I had to make that decision eight years ago. After going through all the testing and qualifying for the cochlear implant, the audiologist gave me all the brochures he had from each of the companies and answered the questions I had that day. An appointment was then scheduled with a surgeon.

While the surgeon was willing to answer any questions l had about each appliance, he would not advise me in a way that indicated any favoritism of one company’s product over another’s. We picked the date for the surgery and then he said, “You will have to let us know which implant you want two weeks before the surgery.”

Whether they realized it or not, both the audiologist and the surgeon gave me body language clues as to which product they thought was the best at the time. Since I was good at reading visual communication due to my hearing loss, those clues did not get past me.

Armed with my brochures, the answers I got from my audiologist and surgeon, I went home to read and discuss with my husband which implant to choose.

Eight years ago, that is what I had to work with to make my decision. I had to rely on the integrity of the companies whose brochures were going to tell me all about their cochlear implant. I knew what was most important to me and I was able to figure out which implant I wanted. I know I made the right decision and I am very happy with my cochlear implants and the company that makes them.

In the time that has passed since I had to choose a cochlear implant, independent studies have taken place and now a person trying to figure out which cochlear implant to choose has more information available to them when making their decision. The key here is to make sure you have an independent report and not a report that has been construed to favor a company that didn’t do well in the study.

Advanced Bionics made my cochlear implants. I received my first one in 2001 and had the other side done in 2007. The number one thing on my list when I was choosing my first implant was the ability to upgrade without surgery; to have an implant with internal technology that would grow with the science and that is what I have. There is six years between my two implants and I have modern cutting-edge technology on both sides and love the hearing I get with my two implants. My older implant was able to upgrade to the technology I was getting with my newer model on the other side. How great is that?

For anyone making the decision today, it is still a difficult decision with even more information to peruse. As I learn more about the technology and advances, I know that Advanced Bionics would still be my choice today.

Click here to read an excellent and well researched article about choosing an implant.

Vaulted Ceilings and Wood Floors

2009-09-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

Where I live, the popular home design for quite a while now has been vaulted ceilings and wood floors. I cannot think of another design in home planning that is more unfriendly to the hearing impaired except maybe smooth tile with vaulted ceilings.

I really enjoy hearing with my cochlear implants and in most situations I hear very well. In my own home I have a combination of carpet and brick tile and my ceilings are flat and eight feet high. Sound doesn’t bounce or echo like it does in homes that I have been in with wood floors and vaulted ceilings.

I find these homes to be so irritating the way sound bounces around that it is getting difficult for me to enjoy going to the homes of friends or family with vaulted ceilings and smooth floors. I don’t want to limit my social life again due to hearing issues when it seems like I have just gotten it back, but more and more I find myself in this situation as friends and family buy or build new homes.

Why are acoustics in home design ignored? Why is this design so popular? The world is noisy enough without creating a situation in your home where noise is amplified. Do others think about the acoustics in their home or is it all about big space?

In my home I want cozy, warm, conversational space. No vaulted ceilings or floors that bounce sound for me.

Weeds!

2009-08-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I found myself thinking about sounds that I had never thought about before. Weeding a garden has sounds of its own. Weeds with a shallow root don’t make a lot of noise but you can hear the soil drop off and sprinkle back to the ground in a soft patter. Most weeds though have a deeper root that is solidly embedded in the soil. As I wrapped my gloved fingers around the base of the unwanted plant and tugged, it would make a soft cracking noise as it began to give up its hold on the soil and then with a loud snap would give its final release. Craaacckckck snap! Craaacckckck snap! I heard over and over as I released my pretty flowers from the encroaching weeds.

I spent most of Saturday doing that as we had been gone a lot and my gardens had become a poor sight. They are looking better now and still in need of work. I’m making plans for moving perennials this fall which seems to be fast approaching. I would love to figure out a way to make my flower gardens maintenance free; however, I did find the weeding to be therapeutic as I put the unpleasant vegetation into the bin.

It Feels Good to Feel Normal

2009-07-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was eventful with two experiences to remind me how fortunate I am to have hearing with my cochlear implants.

It started out with a trip to the grocery store. I was driving down Main street when I noticed a motorcycle behind me. I “see” motorcycles because I used to have one and I try to be very aware as I was hit by an unaware driver on mine. So, I was keeping an eye on this guy as we left the changed light to move through the next block. Half way up the block I decided to take a right turn at the next light and I needed to change lanes. As I was preparing to signal and move over, I “heard” the motorcycle’s engine rev up and sure enough the impatient driver decided to pass me on the right. It was a stupid and unsafe move on his part that could have ended in an accident if I had not “heard” him because he moved into a blind spot and I would not have seen him. It was also ridiculous on his part as we both ended up waiting at the same light half a block ahead.

After the relief of a near miss, I was quite angered at this motorcycle driver as it is his kind of driving that gives motorcycle enthusiasts a bad rep and leads to accidents. If I would have had the opportunity to tell him so, I would have.

Next on my agenda yesterday was a trip to my audiologist to participate in a study regarding cochlear implant use. That involves a 40 mile drive to another city. I was ready early and thinking about leaving early when I decided to read the newspaper instead. Funny how the timing of things sometimes works out to put us in a certain place at a certain time.

After reading the newspaper, I headed out. I was barely out of town on a county road heading for the highway when the SUV in front of me crossed into the oncoming lane, came back across both lanes, went into the ditch and rolled completely over. As I was pulling over, I was reaching into my purse for my cell phone and was on the line with 911 in a matter of seconds. I didn’t think, “Will I be able to hear them? Can I do this?” I just did. Another car pulled over and the man asked if I was on the line with 911 and I said, “Yes.” He proceeded ahead of me to the car to check on the driver. She appeared to be fine with only minor injuries. I stayed on the line with 911 to give them directions to where we were.

Before my CI, I might have hit the motorcycle. Deaf people are very good drivers, but without sound we rely solely on our vision. Also before my CI, I wouldn’t have had a cell phone to call 911 after witnessing the rollover. I still would have stopped to help, but my assistance would have been very restrained by my limited communication.

It was a dramatic day with a roller coaster of emotions: relief, anger, shock, concerned panic, and relief again. As I finally calmed, relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the day, I thought, “It feels good to feel normal.”

Final Meow

2009-07-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't know when I was writing about hearing Elvis that I would soon be saying good-bye. Our beloved pet had developed a tumor on his liver and stomach. We said good-bye today and sent him to his rest.

Name That Kitty

2009-06-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

This is my cat. We brought him home in June of 1995 when he was about six weeks old. With five family members trying to come up with just the right name and not agreeing on anything, he lived with us for three days as “Kitty.” At that point, I just thought it was terrible that we had not named him yet, so I began to question the family to try to come up with something. I could not hear him, so I asked, “What does he sound like?” My husband and kids said he had kind of a high pitched, squeaky meow, and since he was a kitty, that description seemed right to me. Mittens, Streak, Phantom, none of the names we were coming up with seemed to suit him.

On the evening of the third day, my youngest daughter was playing with our still unnamed kitty when an advertisement for an Elvis CD came on the television. At that point, I suggested to the family, “Should we name him Elvis?” There were no objections, only smiles. So the kitty finally had a name, Elvis.

When we got Elvis I was wearing the strongest analog hearing aids I could be fitted with, but I could not hear my new kitten’s meow. He was a cute, playful kitten, so I enjoyed everything else about him; his adorable face, pretty eyes and really soft fur. I did not hear Elvis until after I was hooked-up with my first cochlear implant in September of 2001 when he was six years old.

Elvis is 14 now and I have listened to him greet, complain, beg, scold and give his opinion for eight years now and I am grateful for every “meow” I hear. He still has a high-pitched squeaky meow and he likes to use his voice. If I could have heard him when we were naming him, he might be called “Squeak”.

Pots and Pans Band

2009-05-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

We opened up our lake cabin Mother’s Day weekend. My daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons surprised us with a last minute decision to join us for the weekend. It was really great and we had a good time.

It was especially nice for Paul to have some help putting in the dock and the grandson’s desire to go for a boat ride was a great motivator to get the boats in the water and running. It was a wonderful start to what I hope will be a sunny and warm summer.

This first weekend though was a bit cool and kept the boys inside more. We don’t keep a lot of toys at the cabin, so it didn’t take long for the boys to start looking for new interests. I decided to pull out an old standby. The pots and pans band! I never would have done this when I was a hearing aid wearer. Hearing aids amplified the sound in such a way that some things were uncomfortable. The sound with my cochlear implants is so comfortably natural that I didn’t give the idea of the boys pounding away on pots and pans a second thought.

My daughter was a little puzzled when I said, “Isn’t it interesting how the different shapes of pans make such different sounds.” I reminded her there was a time when some sounds were all the same to me.

With wooden spoons in hand
The little boys tapped a pot then a pan
To their own rhythmless beat they did drum
Not yet a tune anyone could hum
But the joy of two boys and their make believe band playing the kitchen pots and pans!

Are You Listening?

2009-05-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

My daughter called me this evening and she was frustrated with the communication in her family. She is married and has a step-daughter age 11 and two boys 5 and 15 months. She was frustrated with her husband’s and 5-year-old son’s listening skills, or lack of. She also felt like they were indicating that she was the one that was unrealistic with her expectations.

We talked at length about why she has the expectations that she has and of course I don’t think they are unrealistic, but they are different from her husband’s for obvious reasons. She grew up with a hearing impaired parent and he did not. We practiced communication courtesies that other households can get by without.

When my girls were growing up, as my hearing worsened over the years, we, as a family, had to make adjustments. It became impossible for me to understand what a person was saying if I could not see his or her face. We stopped the practice of a raised voice trying to get someone’s attention from another room. Although the girls sometimes tried to get me to come to them with a loud, “MOM,” we worked on enforcing the rule that if they had something to say to me, they had to come to me. In return, when I could, I stopped what I was doing and listened.

Going to another room in the house or up the stairs to talk with someone may not sound like such a big deal, or stopping to listen, but if you have to stop what you are doing every time one of your 3 children needs to talk to you, a simple task like cleaning up the dinner dishes can take 3 times longer than it would if you could talk while you work. I remember many evenings when the dinner conversation continued on into clean up time and stopping half way to the dishwasher with dishes in my hands to look at the daughter that was speaking to me. Sometimes, it felt like this simple chore took up half the evening.

There is a plus side though. The benefits of our focused communication far outweighed the increased time it took to get some things done. My girls knew when they had my attention, because I would be looking right at them. Wondering if I heard what they said was rare because they usually had to confirm it during the conversation. Distractions were not allowed because then I would not be able to hear, so the TV was muted or off and there was no background music playing on the radio or cd player. One complaint or argument you never heard in our household was, “You never listen to me!” We listened intently.

Our children’s teen years were not without problems. We were just like everyone else, but I think more tuned in. This allowed us to recognize problems early on. My keen sense of body language allowed me to realize when there were health issues that needed attention and might have gone unnoticed in a family with different dynamics. In this respect, my hearing loss was a blessing.

I’m sure you have heard it before and I’m sure you will hear it again, “communication is key in healthy relationships.” It is not too much to expect to be listened to.

Stunning - Susan Boyle

2009-04-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have watched this YouTube piece several times now and I just can't seem to get enough. Like Piers says, this woman's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables is stunning. As Amanada said, it truly is a privilege to hear that , and the faces that Simon makes are priceless. He is fun to watch when he is impressed.

It is such an incredible joy to be able to "hear" a performance like that. To be able to hear the pureness of each note, the accent and the dynamics she put into her presentation. Watching the YouTube piece left me wanting more and I will definitely be watching for more from Susan Boyle.

It also left me feeling, once again, very grateful for my bionic ear; for the advances that have been made in inventions and medicine that allow me to hear with this amazing quality. All I have to do to know the alternative is take off my processors and there I am in the silence. What a relief and a blessing that I don't have to live the rest of my life in that place.

The title links to a closed captioned version of Susan Boyle's performance so you don't have to miss the dialogue. The button to turn on the closed captioning is the arrow pointing up in the lower right hand corner of the video window. If you decide to take a look, I hope you enjoy the performance as much as I did.

Spring Song

2009-04-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

I started spring cleaning yesterday. It is not warm enough to open the windows yet, so I was working in my closed up house dusting out window sills when I heard his song. The male cardinal singing to his girl. It is such a beautiful song and I could hear it through the window. Wow - I could hear it through the window with my bionic ears.

We have a pair of cardinals that seem to come back here each spring. Last year I almost succeeded in getting a good picture of the male and this year I plan to. He is beautiful with his bright red feathers. His girl is a little harder to spot. With nature's natural protection for the mother of the offspring, she has browner feathers and blends in with the trees. I love watching these two flit around our yard and even better, I love that I can hear them.

With the joyful sounds, come the annoying sounds and when I hear the squawking of the blackbird, I smile to myself and think, "Ah, yes, I must hear him too." And I remember when I couldn't hear him at all and I thank God for the blackbird's call.

It seems that I write about hearing birds a lot. With my hearing loss starting in the high frequencies, they were one of the first sounds that I lost, so I didn't hear them for over 20 years. It wasn't something that I dwelled on or thought a lot about, but since I have gotten that hearing back, I simply cannot take it for granted and continue to be amazed.

It is finally spring and with it comes nature's choir. Sometimes it is the hard rock of a blackbird's squawk, or the simple twitter of a sparrow, or the beautiful song of a bright red cardinal singing to his girl.

Mentors

2009-04-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Smiles and laughter, voices strong
A room full of friends with a common bond
Relationships growing, new and old
Lives changing from quiet to bold
Brought together in life
Because of stories we share
Paying it forward because we care
A new hand needs holding
A tear has been shed
We reach out and answer
To concerns we have read
Comfort our goal and hope we bring
To the pain and sadness the voices ring
We know the hardships
And we have come through
So we offer our knowledge to those that are new
Raising each other
To new heights we soar
Because when you give
You get back even more

Yesterday I returned from a weekend training session for Bionic Ear Association mentors. It was held at the Advanced Bionics offices in Valencia, CA. Cochlear implant recipients along with parents of children with cochlear implants were brought together to learn more: about AB’s implants; the numbers of people with profound to severe hearing loss; and how we can educate and help others with hearing issues.

The weekend carried a lot of impact, touching me in many ways. There was the impact of meeting people in person that I had only met through the internet. It took a lot of hugging to get caught up! Then there was the impact of making new connections, all of them strong. In the trainings, the impact of the up-to-date statistics regarding hearing loss was eye-opening and being given tools to share more effectively was exciting. Visiting the plant where the cochlear implants are made had an impact all its own. I haven’t yet discovered a word to describe how it felt to be where they built the devices that allow me to hear.

It was a wonderful opportunity and I am grateful for the people I met and all that I learned. Now I hope to put old and new knowledge to good use mentoring others with hearing loss.

Not a Minute Too Soon

2009-03-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall

I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall

I can hear the laughter of the children in their room
The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon

My sadness overwhelmed me as my ears began to die
I often asked the Lord, if He could tell me why
But then He showed me there was hope up ahead
And to a hearing miracle my heart and life were led

I sat alone in silence for a period of time
The Lord, He said to me, “There is no reason why
But the lessons you will learn, and the things that you will know
Will settle in your mind and make your heart grow”

So I waited for the Lord to show me the way
I trusted He would take me where my heart was meant to stay
He walked me from the silence and back to the sound
And here I am again, my life is being found

I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall
I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall
I can hear the laughter of the children in their room
The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon

Bird Talk

2009-03-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

First, an update, my mother is doing well and statistics regarding sudden hearing loss seem to be in her favor. I think she is bothered more by the tinnitus than the loss of hearing as it is probably more noticeable. The tinnitus she is experiencing is intermittent and before I left, she seemed to think it was getting better and that maybe a little of her hearing had come back. She sees her doctor for a recheck in a few days. She also contacted a friend with hearing loss and asked about her experience. It turns out that it is similar to what my mom is going through. I’m glad she has someone to talk to as my hearing loss experience is very different from a sudden loss.

My sister went with me to visit our parents and I picked her up as it was on the way from where I live. In the past, I would have handed her the keys and asked her to drive so we could visit. Before my cochlear implants, I would do that so I could read lips, which is difficult to do when you are keeping your eyes on the road, so I would often ask whomever I was with to drive. After my first cochlear implant, which is on my left side, I would be arranging people so I could hear them easier or using a nifty little remote microphone that I would have pinned to my sister’s clothing and then plugged it into my behind the ear (BTE) piece so I could hear her. Those were adjustments I needed to make before being bilateral. Wow – being bilateral. I drove, we talked, no problems.

I had one other CI moment that was fun. The weather was warming and we had a spring like day, so my sister, my mother and I walked over to a nearby mall. While we were there, we stopped in a pet store to look at the puppies. As I was oohing and aahing over the cute little animals, I could hear birds chirping behind me. I turned around to see a beautiful yellow cockatiel singing to me. I puckered up and gave it a whistle back and he returned his song, so I whistled again. We were going back and forth like that and I was thoroughly enjoying being able to hear him and hear myself whistle back, when I glanced over my shoulder and noticed my mother watching us and smiling. Not too long ago, my mother shared with me that she is still amazed at what my bionic ears do for me. I love that she was able to witness that moment and share the joy.

My mother called...

2009-03-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

My mother called this weekend and shared with me that she couldn’t hear the dial tone on the phone as well with her left ear as she could with her right and she was also hearing a funny shwooshing sound in her left ear. She said it had just started a few days ago. Up until this point, she has enjoyed excellent hearing.

I have heard many stories about causes of hearing loss having participated in forums for hearing impaired. I told my mother that she needed to be seen by a doctor right away, first to rule out wax or fluid build up. If those things are ruled out, then they might need to treat her for conditions that need immediate treatment to save the hearing.

My mother is healthy at 73, but not assertive. She did see her doctor today and there was no wax or fluid. The doctor couldn’t see anything. She made an appointment for her to see an ENT in 17 days. When my mother called me back to report, I was upset. I said, “You have to be seen today.” She called her doctor back and they managed to move it up 7 days. In the mean time, I called my doctor’s nurse and told her what was going on. She told me what I knew to be right. My mother needed to be seen right away. As I was preparing to call my mother to get the name of her doctor and nurse, so I could get on the phone with these people, my mother called back with news. The nurse had called her back and made room on the schedule for her, but she had to come in right away.

She had already been there and been tested when we connected on the phone. Unfortunately her test showed a significant drop in the left ear. Her right ear remains normal. This did allow them to see that it was not a slow age related decline and they needed to consider what else might be going on, so next she saw the doctor.

The doctor talked to her about the window of treatment that may reverse the loss. Hopefully they were within the time frame of the window. He talked about it being 48 hours and the information I found on the internet indicated that it may be as long as two weeks. The doctor treated her with a steroid shot in the eardrum and wants to test her again in one week. Now we wait and hope.

At one point she said to me, “I don’t want to lose more of my hearing.” I sensed she had a hard time saying those words to me. I told her I don’t want her to lose any more of her hearing either. I love my cochlear implants, but I don’t want my mother to need them too. However, if it did come to that – Thank God they have been invented.

I will be driving the 400 miles to my parent’s house for a visit tomorrow. I will be trying to make the trip more often this year. They are traveling less and I need to see them more.

Moving on to the good...

2009-02-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Poetry helped me dump my sad feelings when I was losing my hearing. So did smoking. I used to blow my negative feelings away in a puff of smoke. I stopped that eight years ago. Poetry is healthier.

To read my writing, you would think I’m a glass-half-empty kind of person. Really I’m not. My mother once said that I was born with rose-colored glasses on. It is kind of like “the tears of a clown, when there is no one around.” I can write about my sadness, resentment and anger, but if you walk into the room I’m in, I will smile and enjoy your company exuding happiness and well wishes.

I love people. I used to be a cosmetologist. Making people feel good with a new haircut, or fresh color was a joy. I had a lot of children customers because I was so patient with them, their parents would bring them back to me. When I started to miss conversation with the children and I would see confusion on their faces, it broke my heart. I came to realize that they had said something I missed. Often and typical of a child, when I asked them what they had said, they wouldn’t bother to repeat it. The last thing I wanted to do was make a child feel insignificant.

My time as a cosmetologist was brief, about three years. My main career was being a mother to our three daughters. I have made a lot of shifts in my life, trying to adjust to my hearing situation. The changes were always made with a positive attitude.

One of the things I have discovered by sharing what I have written, is that I’m not alone with my feelings. People have shared with me that I helped them to discover what they were feeling when they were having trouble putting a name to it. I don’t want to bring people down. I want to buoy them up and leave them feeling good. But sometimes we have to allow ourselves to feel our sadness or anger so we can move on to the good.

Poems

2009-02-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

Our local newspaper is starting to publish poetry, so I decided to look at some of my poems to see if I had anything that I want to send in. I realized that I had a couple that I had not posted on my blog that relate to hearing loss, so I thought I would post them.

What Will Be The Music?

In the early morning
When the sun is rising high
I can't hear the birds sing
at that beautiful blue sky.

And when the leaves are falling softly
and settling on the ground
In the autumn of my life
I cannot hear the sound.

But my eyes take in the colors
and the beauty of the birds
And I search my mind for the memories
of everything I've heard.

For what will be the music
in the silence of my life?
Is it the soaring of the bird
in its beautiful soft flight?

Do The Birds Still Sing?

Do the birds still sing?
I cannot tell.
Do telephones ring?
I don't hear the bell.
Do children sing?
I know they yell.

The sound is fading
and I'm not old.
Why does it go?
Nobody knows.
In the silence
what will I find?
A flower blooms
in quiet time.
Find the flower
for me to see,
Blooming quietly.

God help me
I am so scared.
I'm afraid I'll forget
what I have heard.
In the silence will I know,
all the music I love so?
The voices of my caring friends,
will this all come to a silent end?

How Would You Know, My Feelings Didn't Show

2009-02-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

Stoic: accepting pains or hardships calmly or without complaint; not feeling or showing emotion.

I wrote a poem called "How Could You Not Know?" that came from my feelings regarding my hearing loss and music, particularly at family gatherings. I grew up in a musical family and until I was 17 I sang in choirs at church and school. It was at that point that my hearing loss became noticeable and affected what I could hear of my own voice while singing with a group, so I stopped singing in choir and group situations.

Often at family gatherings after the meal, family members that played guitar or violin would take out their instruments and begin playing and singing. Because of my hearing loss, I never attempted to join in and over time it became increasingly difficult to enjoy listening to the music. I suppose at first I was frustrated for the reason that I felt I couldn’t participate because of my impaired hearing. And there was jealousy of those who could and did. Later, when I had hearing aids it stopped sounding good, so it became my habit to simply slip away into some corner, visit with somebody who didn’t care about the music, and ignore the entertainment.

After I wrote the poem, "How Could You Not Know?" I printed a copy and sent it with a letter to my parents. When my mother and I talked about it, I was a bit taken aback when she said, “I didn’t know music was that important to you.” In my surprise, I did not respond, but simply changed the subject. I felt a little hurt, she is my mother - how could she not know?

I decided to give my feelings some time and thought. Later that day, I found I was seriously looking for an answer to that question. How was it that my mother did not know how I felt? And I realized I didn’t tell her. I didn’t show my feelings to her or very many others for that matter. I had been stoic where my hearing loss was concerned.

I denied my hearing loss in other ways as well and put on a rather good show. If someone told a joke and I missed the punch line, I often laughed when everyone else laughed instead of admitting that I didn’t hear it. I smiled and nodded and mimicked their emotion and I got away with it most of the time. What else could I do? I couldn’t run around being sad and angry all the time. And nobody wants to be the downer at a good party.

When you have experienced bringing a happy group down, you stop doing what it was that you did. You stop participating in group games where missing an answer might lose one for the team and simply excuse yourself to refill your drink or get another snack. If you can’t participate or share in the happy fellowship, you slip away quietly to a corner or go home. Happy gatherings are not the place where you show your hardships. So how would anybody know how I felt if I was masking my emotions with a ready smile – being stoic?

I used to tell my girls when they were growing up, “If you don’t tell me what is wrong, I can’t find a way to help.” Sometimes it is hard to tell, hard to find a way. Or you think, why talk about it, they can’t do anything anyway. What would it have mattered if my family knew how hard it was for me to watch them enjoying their music? I certainly didn’t want them to stop. I didn’t want to take away their joy, so I was stoic.

All of that is fading into the past now as I enjoy listening to music again with my cochlear implants. I’m still having a hard time joining in with the family music. It feels like I’m expected to listen and enjoy when my heart really wants to sing, but I don’t yet have the confidence that I can match my voice with the notes. I missed out for so many years, it’s not like I can jump right in.

Writing poetry is my music.

It makes it so I can let my feelings show
It picks me up when I’m feeling low
It makes my world feel alright
It comforts me at night

It releases me from an emotional hold
It allows me to lighten that load
It makes my world happy and bright
It brings me sunshine and moonlight

It puts some things away for me
It allows me freedom to see
It releases me from all that’s past
It moves me on, I’m free at last.

Found Sound

2009-02-13T18:26:00.001-08:00

It was a beautiful day and I decided to take advantage of it and go for walk. I grabbed my camera with the hope of getting some good pictures and headed towards a park with a waterfall. Unfortunately, when I got to the park, the light was too low for anything special and the waterfall was not running yet.

All was not lost. Although the pictures I did take aren’t very good, the memory of that walk will stay with me always. I’ll tell you why. Just before I got to the park, I heard the beautiful whistle of a bird - a bird call that I had not singled out before. I could hear birds with one implant, but with two there is a finer quality allowing me to distinguish different birds. Even more awesome than hearing the bird, I automatically turned to where I thought the sound was coming from to see the bird, and there it was right in my line of vision. It was automatic and I turned in the right direction. I’m still having a hard time believing it. I took a picture of the bird, but before I could get a good focus, it flew away.

Feeling just wonderful and wishing there were more birds to hear, I continued to the park. Even though the waterfall had no water and the sun was getting low I took a few pictures anyway and then headed home.

As I emerged from the park, I heard a beautiful tinkling in the breeze and once again I turned toward the sound. I was thrilled to see a chime hanging on the back of the house I was looking at because now I knew for sure I had direction. And I was hearing a chime!

Birds, chimes – it amazes me. My hearing loss started in the high tones and birds were one of the first sounds I lost. To have these sounds back, the sounds that have been gone the longest (more than 25 years), is fabulous, amazing, awesome, great. Being able to locate the sound is frosting on the cake!!!

Do we really mean to say "congratulations"?

2009-01-25T15:04:00.000-08:00

Do we really mean to say “congratulations” to someone who has just qualified for a cochlear implant? I don’t mean any offense to the people that say this, because I know the spirit it which the “congratulations” are given, but I do want to talk about this for a bit.

I remember when I qualified and the first person that congratulated me. She was someone I worked with and she new this was something I was hoping for – but it did not feel right to be congratulated. I arrived to the point of qualifying for a cochlear implant with very mixed emotions and a large part was sadness. My hearing was so far gone this was my only hope and the last resort.

Whenever I see someone congratulating another for qualifying, I cringe a little bit. I will wish them well and I will pray for them and send them positive thoughts as they pursue better hearing and sound, but I can’t bring myself to say “congratulations.” After all, getting to this point was a loss of the hearing they may have had or never had at all.

Maybe I’m being too sensitive and maybe it is okay when someone who has a cochlear implant congratulates someone that qualifies. It is like saying, “Welcome to the community.” For myself, that is what I will say, “Welcome to the community. I wish you well as you pursue better hearing.”

How Could You Not Know?

2009-01-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

You looked me in the eyes
Yet you never wondered why

I felt such a deep hurt
You even acted curt

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

If I were blind and couldn’t see
Then you’d be singing with me

My voice would be strong
And maybe we’d get along

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

For I have music within
It stayed with me like sin

But I felt no remorse
When I couldn’t sing the chorus

I just hurt deep inside
Where my music resides

How could you not know
That it cut me to my soul

When you sat there singing strong
And others played along

How could you not know?

My Hearing Loss

2009-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

Recently on Hearing Journey, one of the moderators asked participants to post to the question, "How did you lose your hearing?" My original article about my hearing loss is titled "How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve?" and is the first post on this blog. I felt it is too long to post on Hearing Journey. I have written about my loss several times and decided to do something different this time. Below is the poem I wrote:

My Hearing Loss

Although it was suspected, when I was just a girl,
It wasn’t checked until later, how much I could hear.
At the Junior High School, when I was a young teen,
Machines were brought for testing and a mass screening.
One day they called a list of names, over the intercom,
It was a mix of boys and girls, and not real long.
We gathered with the counselor, to each of us he spoke,
Asking if we knew, our hearing might be broke.
Because I didn’t know, it had to be told,
He gave me a letter, for my parents to hold.
I put it in my math book, and walked home slow,
I was carrying news, that made me feel low.
My mother said to me, “What took you so long?”
I handed her the letter, feeling like a Blue’s song.
She read it very carefully, then she made a plan,
She called the local clinic, and I would see a man.
He looked into my ears and throat, and whispered across the room,
Sent me for hearing tests, I could feel the gloom.
He said I had a hearing loss, but would it stay the same?
Only time would tell, this was not a game.
The school years passed, and I did my best,
Sitting at the front of class, studying for the tests.
Then it was time to check, my hearing once again,
I had plans for my life, and I was ready to begin.
I went to see the son of the man, young Dr. Young,
And what he had to tell me, really stung.
Your hearing is going, there is more gone,
We can’t help you, and we don’t know how long.
I want to enlist - my country I want to serve!
He said, “They won’t take you, because of your hearing nerve.”
Now what do I do, what jobs can I take?
He said, “Stay away from loud noises, for your hearing’s sake.”
So I worked for the city, putting tickets on cars,
And I thought, this won’t take me very far.
Then I met my husband, my wonder, my love,
We married and had children, gifts from above.
I could still hear the babies, when they cried in the night,
But not the birds that sang, before they took flight.
New doctors gave me hope, with a hearing aid, then two,
So I could hear my children, as they grew.
Then one day, my hearing was so small,
I thought that my eyes, would have to do it all.
But something came along, it was kind of new,
And the doctor said, “Maybe this will work for you.”
You will have to have surgery, go under the knife,
But if you are willing, it could change your life.
I said, “I want to do this, I really want to hear.”
And the surgery was scheduled, that very year.
There were several implants, companies had made,
The doctor said, “Pick one, before your surgery day.”
So I read and I studied, and I asked around,
I picked Advanced Bionics, to bring me sound.
In 2001, after all the strife,
It was a new beginning, for my hearing life.
The rain and the birds, are a wonder to hear,
I love this miracle, called the bionic ear.

Mapping Back

2009-01-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

I had a mapping on December 16th, 2008. The allergy issue is still present and I was taking medications to control the symptoms when I was mapped that day. Because I was feeling good and my symptoms were under control, my audiologist suggested that I try the map I had before the allergies started to affect my hearing in October. She turned it on and to my surprise and my audi's too, it sounded good. Good enough to keep. We made some volume adjustments and made that my main map. She then made a crowd noise map from that one for slot 2 and finally for slot 3, she recommended we keep the map we made when my allergy symptoms had flared. I agreed, but I was thinking I probably wouldn't need it. Ha! To my surprise, I turned it on that very evening. I was relaxing in front of a movie on the TV when the sound became loud and distorted sounding. I was trying to figure out what was going on when I realized that the allergy medication I had taken that day had probably worn off. I was only half way through the movie and irritated that my hearing had changed that much when I remembered I had the other map in slot 3. Switching to the other map made enough of a difference that I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie. This was a better alternative than taking more medication at the end of the day when I would rather not (it sometimes affects my sleep cycle). I was glad I had the map as an option.

I'm not one to switch from map to map very often, but it is nice to have choices when I think of using them. I need to be more thoughtful about controlling my hearing in different situations and hopefully I will be more mindful of my options in the coming year.

Happy New Year!

Clear Headed

2008-11-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

When I put my CIs on this morning, the volume seemed much louder and I had to turn them down. My hearing is much clearer today as my allergy symptoms also seem to be subsiding. I'm still taking medication and now maybe I can begin to ease off of it.

I don't know exactly what I'm allergic to. The onset was late August and early September, when the change in the foliage kicks off. The leaves are all down now and we have been experiencing cooler weather, rain and snow.

Since the maps I currently have were done while I was experiencing allergic reactions, I may need to have them redone as my symptoms go away. I have noticed that the sound is not as good as it was before all of this started. It seems to have a bit of a reverberating affect, like you can get with a guitar string.

Yes, allergies do affect my hearing.

2008-10-09T22:05:00.001-07:00

About ten days ago, my hearing changed. It sounded like Darth Vader was on my left shoulder and if I was somewhere with background noise, like a grocery store, it sounded like there was a train passing very near by. After posting what I was experiencing here on Hearing Journey, I took Kim and Evelyn's advise and made an appointment with my audiologist which I had yesterday.

There is some history leading up to this change and it answers some questions about why this had not come up before. I got my second implant a year ago on 10/10/2007 and was hooked-up on 10/17/2007, so I have had regular mappings this past year. Also, last fall, I decided I wanted to make some healthy changes and getting off of the allergy medication that I was taking every day was one of them along with some dietary changes. I managed to stop taking Claritin every day and did not use allergy medication for the rest of the winter, spring and this recent summer. About two weeks ago, I began having allergy symptoms and I was in need of relief, so I started taking Claritin again to get through this season. About four days after I started taking the medication, my hearing changed dramatically to what I described above. I continued to take the Claritin and I saw Dr. Gifford yesterday. When I gave her my allergy history and the changes I was experiencing, she said that normally this would have confused her, but she had just come back from a seminar where this was one of the subjects that was discussed. She said there have been cases of people with cochlear implants complaining of their hearing changing - enough to complain about it - when they have colds or allergies or are taking medications that treat colds or allergies. When you bypass most of what makes a person hear, you wonder how can this be? It has to do with the proximity of the electrode to our cochlea and the cochlea membranes can fluctuate when we have allergies, colds or take medication to relieve symptoms from these conditions.

We went ahead and went through the mapping process. We made some changes, but nothing really big. It was hard to get rid of all of the echoing sound. Also, my audiologist was concerned that when I get through this allergy season, I might not like these current maps, but if that is the case, we will adjust them again.

This morning, I again took Claritin and because my face was still hurting I also took Sudafed and Ibuprofen. With the added decongestant, things were sounding a bit better. I decided to keep a journal about the medication I'm taking and how things sound.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm allergic to. I live in Southern Minnesota and when we go to our cabin which is about 250 miles north, I usually feel better. Whatever it is, it comes out in the fall.

I am frustrated and I hope I will be able to get my hearing back to where it was before this started.

Changes or Allergies?

2008-10-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

For about a week now, my hearing has been different. I suffer from seasonal allergies and they really flared up about ten days ago and I had to start taking medication for some relief. A few days after I started taking the allergy medicine, my hearing started to sort of echo, mostly in the lower tones. Sometimes it is so bad that is sounds like I have Darth Vader talking behind me and if I'm in a store or a place where there is a lot of background noise, it sounds like there is a train rumbling through.

I have an appointment for a mapping coming up this week. I'm looking forward to seeing my audiologist. I don't know if the allergies have anything to do with how I'm hearing or if I just need a new map. It is one year this week since I got my second implant, so it could very well be my hearing is still changing and adjusting. I kind of hope it is not the allergies, because if my reactions can change my hearing this much, it might be challenging to figure out how to adjust for that much fluctuation. But, if necessary, adjust I will because that is what we do!

Mapping Improves Music

2008-09-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

After several months since a mapping, I had started to turn the volume up on my second implant. I was happy to begin to realize some growth with my newly implanted side. So last week on August 5th, I had an appointment with my audiologist. This time there was significant change in my map on the right side, an implant that I have had for nine months. We also mapped the left side, which I have had for seven years, and there was very little change there.

After my appointment, I went to visit family. Initially, there is some adjustment time after a mapping and I hadn’t yet realized the significance of the changes made. After a few hours of visiting with my daughter and her family, I headed home. I started my 40 minute drive and decided to see how music sounded with my new maps. I popped the “Eagles Greatist Hits” CD into the player and started listening. After a couple of songs I realized that it was sounding really good. The “Eagles” was a group I listened to quite a bit before my hearing loss was significant and I realized that my memory of this music might be enhancing what I thought I was hearing. I decided I wanted to give my new sound more of a test. Then I remembered that I had a CD my daughter had given me for Christmas that I had only played a couple of times because I was disappointed with how it sounded. The CD is “Ultimate Manilow.” I thought to myself, “Let’s see if Barry Manilow sounds any better.” It was amazing. Now I know what his fans fuss about. I could hear the orchestra music in tune and even make out some of the instruments. I could understand more of the words in the vocal. What I was hearing was pure pleasure.

You know what I will be doing in my spare time or when I’m in the car – listening to music, reliving old tunes and learning new.

I Write the Songs
Written by: Bruce Johnston

I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now, when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even though I'm very old

Oh my music makes you dance
And gives you spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n' roll so you can move
Music fills your heart
Well, that's a real fine place to start
It's from me it's for you
It's from you, it's for me
It's a worldwide symphony

Going Bilateral

2008-09-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

I started thinking about going bilateral about a year after getting a cochlear implant in my left ear. I thought about it off and on and really didn’t get serious about it until the residual hearing in my right ear was so minimal that there wasn’t anything there that was of use to me. That was just over five years after getting my left ear implant. Along with my residual hearing having dwindled down to next to nothing, there were things that had started to bother me, such as not having any sense of direction regarding where sound was coming from, or always having to direct conversation to my left side.

In the spring of 2007 I started the process by telling my audiologist that I was ready to pursue the second implant. She had recently tested my right ear, so all the medical documentation was ready and the request was then sent in to my insurance. Approval quickly followed.

My first cochlear implant was a life changing experience for me. To have that much sound was a great relief from the struggles I experienced in communicating. I had become an excellent lip reader, but that takes a lot of energy and I was getting very tired. With the sound I received from the implant, I didn’t have to work so hard at reading lips. Over time, I learned to listen again and understand more of what I hear.

Because my deafness was severe, the amount of sound I received on one side from the implant seemed like a lot and at first I had the sensation of surround sound. Later, I started to notice that I could not tell where sound was coming from. Eventually I started turning my left side towards sounds that I wanted to hear. Finally, I felt blank on my right side and I was always trying to adjust for that.

My first implant was in 2001 and I wasn’t ready for the second until 2007. I was reluctant to part with the little bit of hearing that I had in my right ear. Bilateral implantation was something I had discussed with audiologists on several occasions, so I knew that it was being researched and the studies were showing that deaf people with bilateral implants did better than those with just one. When contemplating getting a second cochlear implant, I wondered what the next big leap in hearing technology would be. Did I want to wait for it? Ultimately, I decided that I want to live each day to its fullest now, including hearing the best that I can with today’s technology.

My husband and I met with the surgeon in early July and he would have scheduled the surgery that very summer, but for various reasons, we scheduled the surgery for that fall.

On October 10, 2007, I had my second cochlear implant surgery, to give me sound on my right side. I was hooked up one week later, on the 17th. Immediately, I felt more whole. It was an interesting feeling because I didn’t know that I wasn’t feeling whole, but during the mapping when the sound on the new implant was turned off, the sensation of silence on my right side was so strong it felt like half my world had been turned off.

I have been hearing bilaterally for 9 months now and I love it. Along with an improved understanding of sound in general, I have a better sense of direction, and like the old slogan for Doublemint gum, it is, “Double the pleasure, double the fun.” How I hear with two cochlear implants is still changing and improving, and may continue to change for some time. My right ear has a lot to recover and my left ear wants to run the show. I do have to practice some therapy by shutting off the left side to make the right side do some work and get better. As long as there is room for improvement, I will keep trying to make it better because I don’t want to miss anything! I love to hear.

Sounds of the Night

2008-09-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Being able to hear again was so exciting and joyful that I didn’t think about what lies on the horizons of research for the deaf and hearing impaired. Eventually the subject came up and I heard that cochlear implants like mine, without the outer apparatus was the future. Everything would be contained under the skin, totally implanted. I thought “Why, what for?” I was so thrilled with what I had in my new situation that I couldn’t think about having more!

Six months have passed since I felt that way and now once in a while I do think about it. I have thought about how nice it would be to wake up to a regular alarm clock, or hear the water running in the shower. It would be comforting to have hearing in the night when I am home alone.

And then there are pleasures I remember from the past. Being a late deafened adult, I have memories of sounds in the night. Not so long ago, I was reminded of quiet talks in the dark. My husband had come to bed a couple of hours after me. I was still awake and a question for him popped into my head. I didn’t bother to ask because I wouldn’t be able to hear the answer and it was so late I didn’t want to turn on the light and put on my cochlear implant processor. At that moment I missed the pillow talk from the early years of our marriage. I laid there thinking about the joys of quiet talks in the dark.

Then my thoughts went to the deaf children with implants. They hear the sounds of daytime and silence in the night. I thought of my own childhood, when I had almost normal hearing and remembered campouts and lying in my sleeping bag listening to the chirping of the crickets. Talking with my siblings, friends or cousins till the wee hours of the morning and sharing our innermost secrets in the dark of night, or laughing and giggling until an adult would holler, “Hey, get to sleep.” Sounds of the night these children will never know.

A couple of times I have experienced the pleasure of taking sound with me as I drift off to sleep with a rare but wonderful Sunday afternoon nap on the couch and my behind the ear (BTE) processor still on. On one occasion I was awakened by the shrill ringing of the phone. Of course taking off my BTE would have given me the benefit of uninterrupted sleep, but then I would have missed an enjoyable chat with my daughter.

Someone once said to me that it is an advantage to be able to silence the world, to shut it off. Trying to make this person understand where I have traveled emotionally, that I didn’t agree, seemed a daunting task at the time. She said to me, “You just don’t know.” I was thinking the same thing.

I am so thrilled to have this technology that allows me to hear the birds in the morning and listen to the music of my youth. And for the future, for those who will experience what I have experienced, for the children, I hope for the totally implanted system that will give them pillow talk and the sounds of the night.

How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve?

2008-09-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

This post is an article I wrote after getting my first implant -

I was totally surprised when I started feeling angry and sad again. After all, I had just been through a process that brought me back into the hearing world, a miracle of medicine!

I’d had cochlear implant surgery on August 29, 2001 and was realizing my hope of having my hearing restored. On September 26, 2001, I was hooked up to the processor, a small device I wear on my belt, which is connected to a headpiece that is held on by magnet to the internal workings of the implant. On that day, I actually heard my first sound with the implant. The fall of 2001 was filled with visits to my audiologist and learning to hear again. It was busy and exciting.

Yet, as the holidays approached and Thanksgiving neared, I found myself feeling angry and sad. In my mind I knew I had a lot to be thankful for and I tried to concentrate on that, but sometimes feelings of sorrow and irritation would overwhelm me. I knew what it was; I was grieving for the loss of my hearing. I couldn’t understand how this could be. After all, I had done that several times before and I thought I was done with it.

When I was thirteen I was diagnosed with a slight hearing loss. Being a busy, happy teenager, I didn’t think much about it. At the age of eighteen, when tests showed my hearing loss was definitely progressive, I began to understand it was going to affect my life. I started telling people when I needed to, and I made choices according to the recommendations of my doctor, such as where I would work, but I don’t think I really believed the prognosis that I would be deaf by the age of fifty.

A few weeks before my twenty-first birthday, I married my husband, Paul. Eighteen months later, with our first child, a girl we named Sarah, we moved four hundred miles away from family and the city we grew up in. During the next five years we’d had two more daughters, Paula and Jana, and were settled into what I thought was a happy life. Then one day, the denial I had developed about my hearing loss confronted me. Maxine, a woman from my church, called Paul at work and asked him about my hearing. She said that it appeared I was not hearing the pastor when he spoke. She had a hearing problem at one time and knew a wonderful doctor that might be able to help. Paul told her that I had progressive hearing loss, but refused to go to the doctor because they always told me there was nothing they could do. Maxine persisted and told Paul to make the appointment for me and take me to see this doctor.

When Paul related this to me and said he had made an appointment, I thought “Fine, I was due for a check up anyway,” although I felt irritated by this intervention and I did not want to go. I told Paul I just didn’t want to hear the bad news again, “You are losing your hearing and there is nothing we can do.” But this doctor turned out to be different. He confirmed what every other doctor said, but he also suggested that I might want to try hearing aids and he sent me to work with an audiologist.

I received my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-eight, on the day before Thanksgiving in 1984. My parents were visiting and my mother and I shared tears of joy as I heard sounds I had not heard for years, such as the crunching of snow under our boots, or the whistling of the wind blowing in the chimney. I still needed to read lips, but there was improvement in my situation and I was thankful for that.

I also felt gratitude towards Maxine and thanked her in church one Sunday. Who knows how long I would have hidden behind my denial. She gave Paul and me the nudge we needed to start dealing with my hearing impairment. However, I also had to start dealing with my feelings about it.

After I had my hearing aids for a while, it became apparent how much I had been missing and I developed a new awareness of how it was affecting my children. In trying to get my attention, Jana, who was two at the time, had developed a high pitched screaming technique that I could not hear before hearing aids. Was she surprised the first week after I started wearing hearing aids when I swiftly put her in a “time out” for screaming. I was happy that the hearing aids helped, but I also felt more annoyed and frustrated with what was happening to me. I had not yet identified what I was feeling and being an optimistic person, I just did my best to move on.

My doctor recommended I have annual checkups and I tried to follow his advice. Every year I would make an appointment, my hearing would be tested and the result was always a little worse. I lost some of the high pitched sounds that hearing aids initially gave back to me. I couldn’t hear the phone ring so we added a louder ringer and because I had difficulty understanding speech, we also added a volume control so I could turn the sound way up on the phone. After five years I needed stronger hearing aids and my ability to deal with this positively was wearing down. Once again I had reached a point where I just couldn’t bear the repetition of this news. I began to procrastinate with my appointments and they stretched out to every eighteen months.

In 1992, while visiting with my friend, Barb, I happened to mention that I was due for another check up and was having a hard time motivating myself to get it done, as it was hard to hear that negative news again. She then asked me if I had grieved over the loss of my hearing. Barb explained further that she had read an article about how people that have lost a part of themselves, such as a limb in an accident or a breast to cancer, go through the grieving process over that loss. As we talked about it I realized that those were feelings I had experienced. However, because I assumed a person grieves for something or someone only once, I assured her that I had been there and done that. I figured I had already grieved – and I had.

Sadly I discovered that it is a process that can be repeated. After my next appointment, when once again I needed stronger hearing aids, I went through the anger and sadness all over again. Why me? I would ask myself. With time, I worked through the feelings until I could ask myself, – Why not me?

I finally told my doctor that I couldn’t go through the process every year. He responded that a check up every other year would be fine. We also discussed the possibility of the cochlear implant. I had been hearing wonderful things about it and I became hopeful that it might work for me. But my doctor wanted me to wait, as he believed anything natural would be better than what he believed was the unnatural sound of the implant. I supposed he was right and I also knew that the technology would continue to improve while I waited.

The stronger hearing aids helped for a while and eased my frustration for a few years. Then, in 1998, I decided that I was ready to know more about the implant and whether I was a candidate. By this time I had reached the point where I could not tell the difference between my daughters’ names on the phone. All I could hear were the vowel sounds which sounded the same for each one, “Ah, ah; Ah, ah; and Ah, ah.” I stopped answering the phone altogether and only talked on it with family.

When I looked into the cochlear implant I did some research on the internet and asked a hearing impaired acquaintance what she knew about it. I had the impression that the University of Iowa was on the cutting edge of this technology and arranged to be tested there. What I learned made me very hopeful, but I didn’t meet the criteria. I couldn’t believe it! I had less than twenty per cent hearing left in either ear and hearing aids did little to help me. How deaf did I have to be? I was angry at my situation and getting very tired of having to work so hard at communication. With no other choice, I went on and tried to follow the recommendation from the audiologist to wear my hearing aids with the volume turned up higher.

In the spring of 2001, I noticed that the ringing in my left ear was increasing. I would have moments when it was so loud I didn’t know if I could stand it and then it would suddenly quit. Deep down inside I knew that the little bit of hearing I had in that ear was leaving me. I tried to pretend that it wasn’t really happening, but the realities didn’t allow me to do this for long. I had stopped trying to listen to music because none of it sounded good. I quit attending church and other social functions because it was becoming almost impossible to follow the service or keep up with conversation. Reading lips took all of my concentration. I was tired of compensating. It was time to make a decision. If I didn’t qualify for the implant now, then my family and I would learn sign language.

I asked Paul to make an appointment with my doctor. The audiologist examined me first. It was during the testing that I knew for sure there was a big change. The audiologist did something that had never been done with me before. She brought in the pictures so I would have visual clues for the words she was saying. I wanted to cry. Instead, I took a deep breath and got through the test. When I finally saw my doctor, I really wasn’t surprised when he told me that I didn’t have any hearing left in my left ear and there was about fourteen per cent in my right. I made myself breathe and asked about the cochlear implant. My doctor said he didn’t do that surgery anymore, but he could give me some names. He agreed that it was time to look into it.

The Mayo Clinic is not far from where I live so I decided to start there. With a referral, I had my first appointment in July of 2001. After the tests that are required by the FDA, I was told that I met the criteria and was a good candidate for cochlear implant surgery. The surgery was scheduled for August.

Hallelujah, something could now be done. Oh God, I could hardly believe I’d become deaf. Sometimes my emotions were so conflicting, I felt sick to my stomach. A few people, who knew this was my hope, congratulated me for qualifying. That felt weird, and sometimes I just didn’t know what to say, “Thanks, I am deaf?” Getting to the other side of the surgery was looking good. I was anxious for it.

I was fortunate. The surgery to place the cochlear implant went well. My recovery was trouble free, and the day I was hooked up to the external processor was exciting. I heard high pitched tones I hadn’t heard in twenty years.

Some sounds were not as I remembered them, and some I didn’t understand or recognize. The first three days were the most confusing. My brain needed time to sort things out the same way damaged bodies recover in physical therapy, with repetition and practice. On the fourth day, some of the sounds started to make sense. Although people sounded like they were talking into a tin can, I started to recognize a word here and there without reading lips. Improvement continued through October and into November and friends and family started sounding more as I remembered them. I was learning to hear again, so it really was quite a surprise to me when I had trouble feeling happy; when all I could feel was anger because I had to wear this headpiece and sound processor; or this tremendous sadness because when I took it off at the end of the day I heard nothing at all. How could this be? I should have been happy. Medical technology found a way to give me back sound in my lifetime.

During the period of time I was feeling all this, I had an appointment with Julie, my audiologist. She has become a good friend and on that day, she was a good counselor. I told her about the emotions I was experiencing and she listened like the pro that she is. Then she told me just what I needed to hear. All those feelings are normal and just about all of her patients talk about their anger at one time or another.

At that session I started to feel better. With each new day after that, I left those feelings farther and farther behind me. Am I done grieving for the loss of my hearing? I hope so.

Now I am celebrating. I am no longer distraught by the thought that I will never hear my grandchildren when they come along. I can hear the little voices; I can talk to my family on the phone; I can hear my cat meow; I can hear the rain. In the morning, when I step out the door on my way to work and I hear the birds singing, I can hardly believe it. It has been a long time since I have known this kind of happiness. Sound is beautiful. Life is beautiful. There is joy.